Slapstick
by Mindy35
Summary: Jack/Liz. Liz loses patience with Jack's lady-dramas.


Rating: K+

Disclaimer: Tina's, etc

Spoilers: minor stuff, thru' to 'The Moms'.

Pairings: Jack/Liz, Jack/too many others…

Summary: Liz gives Jack a piece of her mind. And something else.

A/N: Because s4 Jack gave me violent tendencies.

* * *

Jack is heading into the third hour of moaning about his love life. A new record for him.

Not that she hasn't tried to change the topic of conversation. Because she has. Several times. Somehow though, as they sat at the bar downing drink after drink, the subject always seemed to inevitably return to the only thing Jack had on his mind these days. As he careened wildly back and forth between mooning over Avery to waxing nostalgic about Nancy, then back to Avery then back to Nancy, Avery, Nancy, Avery, Nancy - stopping off now and then to randomly curse his mother - Liz went from drinking cranberry juice and nodding in understanding, to sipping wine and rolling her eyes, to swallowing the strongest liquor she could stomach and praying to God it would all end. And she's not even a big believer.

But her compassion has been stretched to the limit. Not to mention her patience. And also her bladder. But that is another story to do with her away-toilet issues. Although it does make her a little more anxious to flag down a cab and get home, not that Jack seems interested in helping her out there. He just keeps yabbering on at her as she bobs up and down on the curb outside the bar, glaring after each cab that zooms right by her. The fifth time this happens, the car moving at such a pace that it splashes gutter water on her shoes and the hem of her jeans, her patience abruptly snaps. She loses all compassion, all control, though thankfully, her bladder stays strong.

"Hey." She turns on him. "Jack."

Jack's monologue stalls. He blinks at her in surprise, probably because she hasn't even tried to get a word in for the last twenty minutes. "Yes, Lemon?"

She takes a breath, the cold wind stinging her cheeks and whipping her hair into a frenzy. "Do you remember after Pheobe dumped your sorry ass cos you lied about loving her how you told me that if you were ever idiotic enough to lie to a woman again I should feel free to just smack some sense into you?"

He pauses, squints at her. "I don't, actually, no."

She nods. "Well, you were pretty heavily drugged at the time." Then continues, "But do you remember after you and C.C. broke up how you told me that if you were ever crazy enough to get so deeply absorbed in a long distance relationship that was obviously never gonna pan out that you would be grateful if I would just slap your stupid face until you remembered what you went through the first time?"

Jack searches his memory. "It's not ringing any bells either."

She shrugs. "Well, you were drunk that time." And continues, "But do you remember after you and Elisa broke off your engagement how you admitted how thoughtless and insensitive and misguided and just plain dumb you could be when it came to beautiful women?"

He cocks his head, confused. "Still no."

"No," she mutters, shaking her head, "Well, that one never happened. I'm still waiting for you to realize that. But you did make me promise over night cheese that if you ever got yourself in too deep with another lady and started acting like a total jerk to slap you silly on the spot."

"I vaguely remember saying something like that," he muses, voice slurry with drink. "Or at least, I remember the night cheese."

"Yeah, well. Jack-?"

With no further warning, she slaps his face – twice. Once with her right hand, once with her left. Both blows are light enough not to inflict any real damage but sharp enough to emit a satisfying crack of skin on skin and to cause him to wince, his head turning with the impact.

Liz pauses, allowing him a moment, then says simply, "You're in too deep."

Jack lifts a hand to his cheek as he rights his head. "Okay…" he murmurs slowly, "I admit I might have had the first one coming. But what was the second one for?"

"That one was just to make me feel better," she admits.

"I see," he says, and meets her eyes.

Her glare and tone remain unrepentant as she tells him, "Pick a lady, Jack. And quit acting like a jerk."

He nods, stunned. "Fair enough."

"And which ever one you pick," she adds, eyes widening in warning, "be nice to her. Or so help me-"

"I think I am up to speed on the consequences," he assures her, his hand dropping back to his side.

"Good." She turns to go, raising an arm for an approaching cab. It pulls up beside her.

Jack shuffles after her. "Ah...Lemon?"

She opens the door, but turns to him. "Yeah?"

His mouth works speechlessly for a moment. "I'm sorry…for-"

"It's not me you should be apologizing to," she says with a shake of her head.

"I'd like to, all the same," he murmurs. "I certainly didn't intend-"

She releases a breath. "We're fine, Jack, we're good." She stops to check with him, "We are good, right?"

He nods and takes another step towards her, his eyes clearer now and looking at her in a way they haven't in what seems like months.

"Well…good." She smiles uncertainly at him. "And hey, I'm sorry for the second slap." She holds up a finger. "The first one I stand by."

He bobs his head. "I understand."

"But…the second one was harsh."

"Well-" he returns her smile, moving to stand beside her, holding the door for her, "I'll forgive you if you forgive me."

She holds his gaze a moment, their assent unspoken. "Night, Jack."

He nods, his smile dimming just slightly. "G'night, Lemon." Then he closes the car door behind her, watching the cab pull away.

_END._

_N.B.: For more Jack/Liz fanfic (of an adult nature) by me, please head to mindymakru dot livejournal dot com._


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